A Psychoanalytical Perspective on Trauma Intrusions in Couples

Oftentimes, couples knock at the doors of Serene Heart Counseling seeking assistance in navigating the challenges of their romantic connection that appear to come from within themselves—their differences in character, communication styles, core beliefs, and values. “We are so different; we don’t have much in common anymore,” I often hear. On other occasions, couples open up to speak of a seemingly external intrusion: career commitments, health interests, close relatives, social networks, and so on. I hear strong complaints such as: “He spends more time in the gym than with me,” “She would rather live in her office,” or “Why don’t you ask your brother first, as you always do?”

It is remarkable that for both types of couples, whether struggling with internal or external factors, they tend to perceive the challenge in the present. The intrusive hurdle shows in the partners’ use of the present tense: “We don’t have much in common,” “He spends more time in the gym than with me.”

However, there is another, less obvious but equally impactful challenge for romantic partnerships: the creeping shadows of the past. For many couples, the intrusion comes from past experiences—whether internal or external. In fact, the distinction between inside and outside becomes irrelevant. Their hurdles arise from lasting echoes of a job, a hobby, a friend, a father, a mother, or a partner who is no longer present, yet whose voice still threatens the emotional stability of the current union. From a strict psychoanalytic perspective, these voices from the past that linger stubbornly—like a scent, pleasant or otherwise—may hide behind the present-tense language of every internal or external intrusion.

This blog aims to explore some of the psychological and relational dynamics that arise when one or both members of a couple contend with intrusions from their past, particularly from previous love relationships. Through the lenses of psychoanalytic thought and clinical experience, we can begin to understand how history shapes the present—and how couples may embark on a voyage of healing, growth, and resilience by knowing their past, integrating its lessons, and reshaping it with hope.

Case Vignette: Emma and Marcus

To bring these notions to life, let us consider the case of Emma and Marcus—a composite couple whose experience exemplifies the challenges many face when past relationships intrude upon the life of the couple. This is a “one-way” example, since only one partner carries a traumatic past relationship. Yet, as in real life, it can easily become a “two-way street,” where emotional traffic comes from both directions. Names and details have been changed for confidentiality, though some readers may find aspects of the story emotionally triggering.

Marcus is a middle-aged marketing executive. Before meeting his present wife, Emma, he was married to his college sweetheart, with whom he shares equal custody of their two-year-old daughter. Marcus’s ex-wife does not reach out while the child is with him; instead, once the daughter returns to her mother, Marcus feels a strong urge to call or meet his ex—to check in on his daughter or to share what he believes went well while she was with him and his new wife.

Marcus entered his new relationship hoping for a fresh start after a difficult four-year marriage, yet soon discovered that his past was not as neatly tucked away as he had imagined. Within months, boundaries began to blur. He found himself calling his ex after distressing dreams about his daughter. These unexpected emotional triggers began to chip away at his new partner’s sense of safety and exclusivity. Misunderstandings multiplied, trust wavered, and the couple questioned their capacity to fully commit.

Manifestations of Past Love Intrusion

Past Love Intrusion refers to the negatively experienced influence of previous love relationships—emotional, psychological, or physical—on the current partnership. It can manifest in several ways:

  1. Unresolved attachments: lingering emotional ties, resentment, or nostalgia toward a former partner.
  2. Repetitive contact: initiating communication with an ex under seemingly practical reasons (e.g., about shared responsibilities).
  3. Triggered comparisons: small remarks that compare the present partner to someone from the past.
  4. External reminders: mutual friends or social circles that unintentionally reopen past dynamics.

In the case vignette, Marcus’s impulses appear benign to him—“just checking in”—yet to Emma they feel like breaches of trust. These moments, whether trivial or serious, can accumulate and erode the emotional foundation of the relationship.

Psychological Dynamics at Play

The intrusion of past romantic relationships can activate a complex interplay of emotions and unconscious defenses:

  • Attachment styles: Individuals with insecure attachment may experience heightened fear of abandonment or rejection. Marcus, previously hurt, projects his anxiety onto Emma, while Emma fears not being “enough.”
  • Emotional resonance: Old wounds or unprocessed grief resurface when present situations echo past pain. Marcus’s comparisons imply expectations that Emma will nurture him and his daughter “better” than his former spouse did, increasing her sense of inadequacy.
  • Identity and self-esteem: Past experiences shape self-concept; reminders of ex-partners can provoke doubts about self-worth and desirability.
  • Boundary ambiguity: When it is unclear what contact with an ex is appropriate, partners may feel unsafe or uncertain, breeding conflict.

Relational Consequences

When Past Love Intrusion remains unaddressed, coping mechanisms can only go so far before tension spreads through the relationship:

  • Erosion of trust: Innocent actions are misread as disloyalty; partners grow suspicious.
  • Communication breakdown: Fearing conflict, couples avoid open dialogue, leading to passive-aggressive exchanges.
  • Emotional distance: Feeling “second best,” as Emma describes—“It almost feels as if someone else were sleeping between us”—reduces intimacy and connection.
  • Conflict escalation: Minor disagreements snowball as past hurts are used as weapons.

Therapeutic Approach

Clinicians working with couples facing such intrusions often employ a psychodynamic or psychoanalytic approach. Key steps include:

  1. Assessment: Identify the partner primarily affected by the intrusion while acknowledging its impact on the other. Both are encouraged to describe past experiences openly.
  2. Boundary setting: Establish clear boundaries regarding contact with former partners and the discussion of past relationships. Boundaries are co-created and revisited as needed.
  3. Exploration of the past: Instead of avoiding history, couples examine how past experiences shape present fears and expectations. Understanding emotional triggers fosters empathy and reduces blame.
  4. Communication skills: Encourage transparent dialogue through active listening and “I” statements to rebuild trust.
  5. Building emotional safety: Reassure one another regularly and respond with empathy to vulnerabilities.
  6. Individual and joint work: When necessary, combine individual therapy for unresolved trauma with couple sessions focused on collaboration and shared meaning.

In Marcus and Emma’s case, Emma learned she had unconsciously taken on the role of “healer,” suppressing her own pain to be the better version of a previous love. Marcus, in turn, recognized that his expectations of Emma stemmed from unresolved experiences with his ex, limiting his capacity to relate differently. As insight deepened, their communication became more compassionate and secure.

Resilience and Growth

While Past Love Intrusion can feel threatening, it also offers a unique opportunity for growth. Couples therapy can help partners face these challenges together, often leading to deeper intimacy, stronger partnership, and greater self-awareness. Working with a professional provides structure and safety for this process. Essential commitments include:

  • Transparency: Keep communication open and honest, even when it feels uncomfortable.
  • Forgiveness and compassion: Recognize that everyone carries a history; extend understanding rather than judgment.
  • Mutual support: Become allies in healing, not adversaries in blame.
  • Focus on the present: Invest energy in creating new memories and shared goals while openly acknowledging the past.

Practical Strategies for Couples

  1. Schedule regular “relationship check-ins” to share feelings and reassess boundaries.
  2. Create rituals of connection—such as date nights or shared projects—to reinforce partnership.
  3. Seek professional help if intrusive patterns persist or intensify.
  4. Set aside time for reflection on past relationships, but avoid letting them define the present.
  5. Practice gratitude for lessons learned from the past while affirming the uniqueness of your current bond.

Conclusion

The shadows of past love need not eclipse the promise of present love. With courage, compassion, and the tailored clinical support available at Serene Heart Counseling and Psychotherapy, couples can navigate the complexities of past intrusions and emerge stronger together. By naming the pain, setting healthy boundaries, and investing in each other, Emma and Marcus—and countless others—can transform history from a source of conflict into a foundation for growth.

In the end, the journey is not about erasing the past but about honoring it while choosing, moment by moment, to build a future together.

Ready to move past the shadows of your own story? Book a session with Serene Heart Counseling in Mississauga, Milton, or Burlington today.